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Because I don't sleep enough
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2008.07.11 23.41
Deja vu all over again
Yes. It's another post...after another long haitus...in which I announce...hey! I'm still alive.
It's true. I'm still alive and I have returned to the World Wide Web. This need not be a one-off enty, because I HAVE INTERNET AGAIN!!!!
So where in the world is Dawn?
Funny you should ask.
Canada.
Land of the Maple Leaf. City of the Maple Leafs, actually. If you know NHL, which I am fairly certain I shall learn more and more about, you know where I am.
And for those of you who don't care about hockey...I'm living in Toronto now. For at least the next two years, eh.
Mood:  calm
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2007.06.14 22.57
I am not the girl I used to be,
but I read one of her old journals today.
Poetic scribbles and a vomit of words.
How close she danced to realization
without seeing my truth
in words she wrote so casually.
I marvel at this girl who didn't know,
identifying all the pieces,
but failing to draw them together.
Ignoring the (w)hole.
I begin to see the patterns
in the patterns she could see.
I am alive and well. Well...sort of. Migraine. eh. I am full of words and images and ideas. There are so many gaps in this lj. So much has happenned...and yet most of it is inside and so hard to describe. SO let's just say:
I am on my path. I may not know where it leads, but I know it's mine.
Also. I found God. Not in a frightening, organized religion and dogma sort of way. I just know her now. Not very well...but who says you have to understand something to rely on it? I mean...come on...electricity.
Mood: calm
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2007.01.04 22.06
I do still exist.
For those who want to know: I only check my email about once a month. I'm only online about once a month.
If you have my phone number...calling me is the best way to get a hold of me.
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2006.07.22 18.15
I am not dead.
Perhaps you didn't wonder.
I am doing what I can with life. Getting too caught up with the moment happening now, sometimes. But maybe that's not so bad.
Generally feeling like perhaps I'm moving in some direction. Which? Dunno.
And everynow and then, I think about what I was like last year at this time. And then I get to go, "Wow." Because I'm not nearly as bad as that anymore. Right now, somedays, it takes all my effort to maitain my growth away from that person. I could become that shell again real quick.
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2006.02.05 23.28
On the upside....I am no longer unemployed. I am no longer in a relationship that requires me to lie.
But. I hate myself. I hate.
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2006.01.29 02.47
 | | The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf)
Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.
You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.
You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.
Your exact opposite:
The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer | In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner.
ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger
CONSIDER: Anyone else |
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: AuroraEliza |
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2006.01.29 02.17
The newest aspect of my disease is panic attacks.
Imagine random, unfocused, intense fear.
Imagine feeling as though the aisle in a store are too narrow and people are standing to close to you.
Imagine not being able to concentrate on what a friend is saying because you are fighting the intense anxiety that is curled up at the bottom of your stomache.
Imagine the thought of talking to the clerk in the gas station bringing you to tears.
Imagine finding that talking on the phone to people brings fear.
Imagine just feeling not safe.
Imagine that sensation lasting for over twenty-four hours.
On the other hand.
Now that it has passed, I feel elated.
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2006.01.03 03.27
I was doing very well for a number of weeks. I wouldn't say that I loved myself entirely...but I didn't hate myself. And I felt like I was going to slowly work towards being in a better place.
Last week was rough. Was not taking care of myself at all.
And then I was loathing myself today, and it all made sense.
This is all so frustrating.
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2005.12.11 02.35
I would update...but I don't know what to say.
I made a step forward...then took a step back.
insanity: noun: repeating the same actions in hopes of a different outcome.
Also...dishonesty has run rampent in my life. It's not so much that I'm actively lying. But very few people know the whole story of what's going on. And some aspects of my life are hidden from other aspects of my life. And I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by all these sins of omission. And even though I am not exactly lying...I still need to keep track of who actually knows what. And I'm so tired of it all. But I don't know how to stop.
I don't think I was ever aware before of how much passive dishonesty there is/was in my life. I want to clean it all up. But since I can't clean it all up, I clean none of it.
If I won a million dollars today, I would pay of my debts, then retreat to some buddhist monestary somewhere.
I'm done whining.
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2005.11.13 22.54
I just came from a meeting. You have no idea how good they make me feel. I'm starting to like myself again.
So. I'm on the first step. Surrender. Haven't quite figured out what that means. Whited expressed concern about feeling as though I have no control of my life. But my particular group has stressed that the only person/place/thing you can control is you. Things happen, you decide how to react. People may decide to drink in front of me. I can either remove myself from the situation, or not. I can decide to have one or not. I can decide whether to continue running away from life, or not.
Really. I'm feeling very serene tonight.
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2005.11.07 00.22
I went to my second NA meeting tonight. Why NA? Why not AA? Well. NA deals with the disease of addiction, AA just deals with alcohol. And my problem does not focus mainly on alcohol.
All the addicts who shared tonight were talking about not being able to manage life and finding a "drug" solution. One addict, a girl around twenty, talked about switching her addiction from drugs after she got out of rehab to shopping. And that's when I started to feel like maybe I did belong.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I don't actually drink that often. And I pretty much stay away from other, hardcore drugs. And there is one person, on the other side of the country, who told me after I told him about my hospitalization, that I'm "not an alcoholic" and that this was just another attention seeking stunt.
In some ways he's right. I'm not an alcoholic because I generally am too afraid of being an alcoholic to indulge.
But the thing about addicts (of substances or otherwise) is that they are running away from life, generally a life they can't manage, by doing something that takes them outside of themselves.
And good lord. Doesn't that just describe me? The endless hours I spend just not thinking? Even that guy on the other side of the country would have to agree that I have been running away from life for a rather long time. I haven't been using substances too much, but I have been using pretty much anything I could find that would be termed harmless to avoid spending time with myself.
Just because I'm not into drugs, doesn't mean I'm not an addict. My addiction is oblivion and I'll take a fix anyway, anywhere I can find it. And if going to NA teaches me how to live with myself and deal with my life, then why the hell not?
For the first time in a long, long, long time I feel like I might become more than this shell of a person that I have been.
Almost killing myself may have been the best thing I could do for myself.
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2005.10.31 17.32
I can't remember exactly how I woke up this morning. Whether it was by myself or if the doctor woke me. Either way, I woke up in the hospital where I was born this morning. In my costume. Under a blanket from my psuedo-boyfriend's house. Missing one of my slippers. Without my coat or purse or cell phone. But my sequins were still attached with liquid latex.
I don't really remember being phased. I probably should have been. The doctor was there right away. Telling me why I was there. Which involved a blood alcohol level three times the legal limit. I had not been driving. They could discharge me, but some one had to come and pick me up. First I called my sister. Then I called my lover. No answers. So I crawled back into the bed. Then I remember that my parents were at work. And I called Mom. Who was relived to hear I was still alive. And probably floored to hear that I was at St. Joseph's. I fell back asleep waiting for them.
I had hospital food for breakfast. They insisted that I eat before being released. I gave them the milk back right away and told them I was lactose intolerant. My parents watched me eat. Then the nurse came by with my discharge papers and some booties since I only had one slipper.
My parents were kind enough to stop and get me a pack of cigarettes before bringing me home. Where they told me that I had to shower before they would let me have one. I smelled like the pleasant combination of a distillery and puke. Then they let me smoke in the garage rather than going outside. I floored my mother again when I poked my head in and asked her to call uncle Bob. Who said he'd bring me with him to a meeting.
We put the towel and blanket that I had awoken with in the laundry. And when those were done, we went over to my psuedo boyfriend's house to collect my coat and purse and cell phone. I found out then that Sarah Cook had gone with me to the hospital. I had gone in an ambulance. I had puked on the couch. I get to go back tomorrow and clean it up. And they gave me the train wreck award. Something they had made and determined to give to the person who got the most fucked up.
Sarah called me shortly after we got home. She told me that one minute I was fine and the next I wasn't. She thinks there is a possibility that someone slipped me something. I have no memory. She found me in the basement, in a corner, in the fetal position with a blanket over me, passed out. My pulse was light. She and E-Mo got me upstairs and outside, and induced me to puke a couple times. They were going to drive me to the hospital, but someone who had been an EMT insisted that they needed to call an ambulance. When that arrived they made me puke a couple more times. Sarah went with me to the hospital. She would have been there when I woke up, but the staff kicked her out at 6:30. I woke up shortly after 7:00.
I probably would have died last night if Sarah hadn't been there.
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2005.10.17 01.52
I guess when you go to the gas station at quarter til two in the morning, get one king size pack of m & m's, one king sized pack of peanut m & m's, a package of beef jerky and two packs of cigarettes, you might come off as depressed.
The guy at the register was really nice to me.
And as I walked to the car, I thought, why am I feeling so sad?
And then I remembered that I forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning.
Opps.
But I did remember to feed the cats.
yay.
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2005.09.22 01.36
One of the best things in life:
Petting my kitten until she goes boneless, completely limp with pleasure. She's one of the softest things I have ever touched. And she purrs. And sometimes, she follows me around the house like a shadow...which is vaguely annoying...but nice.
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2005.09.20 13.51
My counselor and I spent the session yesterday discussing how to describe what it is I feel. I want to be able to help people who haven't felt like this understand. It's hard.
Mark, my counselor, is the one who recommended having my gyno prescribe for me, since alas, Mark cannot. From his experience gynos do this well. Probably because they deal with the hormones from the pill and their effect on women. Or maybe it's because you tend to not switch gynos. Especially when you're comfortable with them. Anyway, my gynos been seeing me at least twice a year, sometimes more, since I was 18. More than my general practitioner has...that's for sure.
Anyway. I want to be on medication. And I know I'm not a doctor. But shit. I keep trying, but I'm not getting any better.
What it comes down to is this: I'm just barely functioning. Just barely. I go to work. Mostly because I get money and it gives me some sense of purpose. But outside of work. I read. I waste time playing games on the computer or watching TV. I tend to not be social. It's hard for me to be social. I even have periods during which just the thought of being social causes discomfort and anxiety. I am spending my life right now in a void. And I've made attempts to pull myself out of this, but I can't. So what am I supposed to do?
And I have determined that there is something missing inside me, or perhaps something blocking me. Because I know intellectually all the stuff I should be doing. Right now even, I should either be eating, showering, or unpacking. I tell myself I should do these things. Heck, half an hour ago, I even resolved to unpack...organize my stuff, put it away. And yet I can't. And I don't know how to explain why I can't. I just look at all that stuff. And I can't.
And isn't that ridiculous? But that's the way it is with eating and making doctors appointments and paying bills on time and socializing and emailing and calling friends. And probably some other things I haven't thought of.
And the more I don't do these things the guiltier I feel. Because I know I should be. And I also know that other people don't have this insane block or emptiness that I have. And then I start feeling like a failure as a human being.
I can't even begin to describe how easy it is for me to hate myself. And yes, I mean hate. Matt has seen me at my worst. Granted that's because fights with him triggered the downward spiral. He would be angry about things...like the fact that I don't clean, don't cook, don't want to do anything. He'd be angry that I had walled him off. Never talked about what I felt, never shared with him. He'd be angry that he gave and gave and gave to me and I gave nothing back. And I'd start feeling worthless, a failure, bad bad bad. I'd feel like I was using him. And I probably was. But I never meant to.
And I'd start hating myself so much, so much. I was seized with the urge to hurt myself, because I just hated myself that much. And Matt would usually wrestle me to the ground, as I screamed at him to go away, beat at him, struggled. Hating myself and screaming at him that it was all true. I am worthless.
Eventually, I would calm. But he would stay watching me. Because I am tricky. And we would talk then. He revealed to me after the last fight, that he would start these fights, because part of him was hoping I would emerge butterfly-like at the end. Myself again. That would have been nice.
Because I'm not the person most of you knew. Maybe you're thinking about the times I was down when you knew me. But it's so much more than that. It's infested everything. I don't think of myself as a person any more. I am not being, I am merely existing.
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2005.09.18 04.58
Just needed to repeat this again.
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.
Can you say that to yourself? Like a prayer?
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2005.09.18 04.44
I feel pathetic tonight. Looking at my life....just pathetic.
On the other hand, my gyno spent about a minute with me on Thursday before deciding I need anti-depressants. The back-story to this includes: missing my appt in March, never scheduling a 6-month check up, scheduling my appt for Thursday on Wednesday think my period wasn't due until Sunday, getting my period Wednesday night, trying to cancel my appt thursday morning, but the office wouldn't let me cancel because I had mentioned that I thought I had an infection, frustrating the nurse when she asked me how long I had had this infection and I answered truthfully...which meant...a month or two, and then feeling bad for all the ickiness that staff had to deal with because they couldn't trust that I would come back for another examination when say...I wasn't having my period, and thus, bursting into tears within a minute of actually seeing my gyno.
He said I was strung out.
On another hand...it's going to take four weeks to work. If it does. I wonder if it will be like when I got my glasses and was amazed at how clear everything was and wondered how I took so long to notice my eyesight was failing.
And on another hand...I think I'm in love with him. Oh wait. That's the pathetic part.
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2005.08.30 02.05
Last Monday....I was in a car accident. Just a little one. I was stopped at a red light. The guy coming up behind did not quite stop...until he hit my car. Car's fine. The incident forced me to see my chiropractor again...whom I have not gone to since he fired me/I quit...whichever.
Last week until today, my Jeni was in town. So I spent quite a bit of time with her.
Except Friday night/Saturday day...when I drove my ex-fiance down to Pennsylvania and left him there so that he could begin his move to the other side of the country with his high school friend.
I was so busy saturday night and sunday that it didn't hit me until this morning...waking up in a half empty apartment, and not getting up at an obscene hour to bring Matt to work that he's gone. I don't know why....but this goodbye feels far more final than any other goodbye I've experienced before.
And to make everything just a little bit sunnier...I'm falling for someone I cannot have. Yay!
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2005.08.22 08.44
I won $50 at the casino on Thursday. So yesterday I went out and got myself two pairs of jeans that actually fit me. Previously, all the jeans I owned were two sizes too big. And I didn't used to care back in high school when I started buying jeans too big...but now...I like giving the world some indication that I may in fact have an ass. And then...after the jeans...I decided to cut off most of my hair. I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks...but yesterday I realized my qualms about cutting my hair were guy related. And so, I said, well, dammit...I'm doing this for me. I always feel good when I actually desire things.
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2005.08.14 12.22
Yesterday was what I've taken to refering to as my "not-wedding." I discovered this last week that the gm of my store didn't even know that I had at any point been engaged, let alone that I am no longer engaged. That was funny...'cause I talk about it freely all the time. And the man knows I've been going to counseling for my depression.
Anyway, I spent most of the time at work yesterday feeling cranky and depressed, and generally not wanting to deal with people. Luckily I was second cut. And luckily that meant I only had to deal with two tables. I spent the day with my friend Maria from work and her long-time friend, who had just moved. We just chilled. And then Maria showed me some of the places she was thinking about buying. Maria is...29?...and she's looking to buy a house. Very grown-up and responsible. Anyway...Maria has adopted me for some reason. We talk about the depression sometimes, and she tries to look out for me. So when I told her about Saturday being my not-wedding and asked what she was doing after work, she was more than happy to take me under wing and keep me distracted.
And after that I stopped at Tully's...'cause that's where I left my car. And talked to some peeps there. And had a cigarette with Norm and Elizabeth and Shelly. And then I went to my parent's house. Where I generally suspected my brother of capturing the affection of my cat.
And I realize that there is no point to this entry. And it's maybe even a little boring. I wish I could say something relevant.
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2005.07.25 02.14
I started writing an entry.
But even I couldn't take how whiny it sounded.
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2005.07.11 23.14
I have a kitten. Her name is Isis.
Yes, I'm using a kitten to fill up some of that emptiness. I'm not burdening the kitten with the entire responsibility of making me happy though. Like I did with Matt.
Also...and although I should have realized this before...I was always amazed that without fail, I experienced a "bad day" on my day or two off. I was annoyed as I felt it was a waste/ruin of a day. Well, today I realized that I experience "bad days" on my days off, because they are my days off. I have noting solid and meaty and chunky to occupy my time and my brain, so I inevitably at some point contemplate how I hate myself. And of course by doing nothing, I contemplate what a waste of space I am, etc.
Horrible, little vicious circle.
Does it seem cruel or ironic to anyone that I am at my best at work?
Just doesn't seem fair.
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2005.06.22 01.38
Ancient Egyptian blessing or Babylon Five quote, either way:
May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk.
It speaks to me. Perhaps because so often I feel empty. I miss my old self so much some days. It's almost incomprehensible to me that I've come so far from what I was, and have so far to go toward what I want to be. And make so little progress every day. I want to sprint. I want to at least see the finish line. Instead I feel hopelessly lost with very, very little to guide me. Why is happy so hard?
My therapist and I discussed how I'm the second-hand victim of sexual abuse. I blame myself for those five years she suffered. Because I was the only one who knew. And I know that I was six years old when it all began. How is a child to blame? But I guess I would feel different if I could say I didn't understand that it was wrong. Or if I could say that I didn't want to keep the secret, in some ways. Not because I wished her harm, but because... And the words can't even form. And I suppose this would all make more sense with details. But it is not my secret alone.
My therapist asked if she could forgive me, why can't I?
Because in the end, I step into the hero's role. The great catalyst that forced her to reveal this secret and end the suffering. And maybe that was the beginning of the sensation that I only seem to be a good person.
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